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I watched ‘Home Team’ the movie where Kevin James plays Sean Payton, so you don’t have to

It’s at the moment 3:00 a.m. and I deliberately stayed up ready for Netflix to launch House Group. I really feel that is necessary to point out, as a result of it explains where my life is at proper now. That I, a authorized grownup with precise duties, waited up till 3:00 a.m. in anticipation of a movie where Kevin James plays Sean Payton.

I point out this for 2 causes: Firstly, this isn’t meant to be a movie assessment. That’s probably not my core competency. Secondly, it’s 3:00 a.m. and I made it 27 seconds right into a movie where Kevin James is enjoying Sean Payton, and this all looks like a fever dream. Let’s go.

So issues open up with highlights of Tremendous Bowl XLIV when the Saints beat the Colts, and I’m blown away by how apparent they’re making Payton’s gum chewing a factor. I imply, the dude likes to chew gum throughout video games, and his love of Juicy Fruit is thought — however James is over right here chawing continuous, mouth open, like a cow with its cud. What the hell is occurring right here?

Then, a couple of minutes later, I get my reply. An assistant knocks on the door of Payton’s workplace and his first phrases are “Can you give me a bit of Juicy Fruit?” then a protracted, lingering shut up on packs of the gum in a bowl. WE’RE 2:48 IN AND THERE’S ALREADY PRODUCT PLACEMENT FOR GUM! THAT WAS THE ENTIRE POINT OF THE WEIRD CHEWING TO START THE MOVIE … TO GET TO THIS SHOT OF A GUM BOWL!

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So far as this movie tells us, Sean Payton doesn’t personal a single piece of clothes that isn’t Saints gear. We had this lengthy, pensive shot of him ingesting a glass of scotch and watching ESPN after being suspended for Bounty Gate, and he’s in his lounge sporting full crew gear and a visor. Moments later, when he decides to go to Texas to see his household, he walks right into a lodge foyer — once more, in full Saints gear. Then he heads to the rural stadium to see his son’s crew play, once more, full Saints gear. It’s bizarre and …

CREEPY ROB SCHNEIDER SIGHTING.

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We made it 8:51 earlier than Adam Sandler put one other of his pals on this factor. Lol, omg he’s the new man in Payton’s ex-wife’s life. So someplace in an alternate universe a girl left Kevin James to be with Rob Schneider. That could be a cursed sentence.

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I have completely no concept who this movie was made for. It’s not humorous, and so far as I can inform it’s probably not attempting to be a comedy. It’s additionally not a drama, as a result of they sprinkle in these jokes that by no means land, whereas additionally trying to inform a deep story of parental reconciliation as Payton tied to make up for misplaced time together with his son.

Taylor Lautner is ok. I’m mentioning this as a result of I really feel unhealthy for not saying something about him.

This movie is simply unbearable. They’re discovering each doable approach to drag out one story beat for so long as doable. Oh God there’s 58 minutes left. How is there nonetheless an hour of this movie? It feels prefer it’s been going for 2 hours already.

So, we get the most illuminating scene of this movie so far. Slowly breaking down the partitions together with his son, a late night time chat leads to Payton’s son asking him if he was liable for Bounty Gate. They only gloss over this with him saying “it’s difficult,” and he provides “when you’re the head coach it’s all on you.” In order that they’re simply going to ignore this complete factor.

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I assume I labored out the problem right here. There’s no antagonists on this whole movie. That’s why it feels so sluggish and boring. I’m an hour in and there’s no motivation for something taking place on the display. We simply had the compulsory “underdog begins to win” montage, however there’s no large unhealthy crew for them to beat, there’s no objective. It simply meanders from scene to scene with nothing of not taking place.

So, the crew has turned it round and so they’re speaking about the “large recreation,” so this has to be wrapping up quickly, proper? HOW ARE THERE 44 MINUTES LEFT?! HOW HAS THIS ONLY BEEN 14 MINUTES?!

Okay, right here we have an antagonist. There’s a crew known as “The Porcupines” and so they’re clearly evil. The opposing coach is mocking Sean Payton. No person mocks Sean Payton — and the native information is reporting on this rural Texas pee wee recreation. So now the complete motivation is to beat the Porcupines I guess.

We simply had a 5 minute apart where the crew needs to assist the kicker in his love life. Clearly he’s by no means talked to his crush earlier than, nevertheless it’s Payton’s brilliant concept to have the crew come and serenade her, at her home, at night time, to win her love. Once more, she’s NEVER TALKED TO THIS KID, so it’s mainly stalking. They launch some lanterns and one burns down a tree and destroys the household’s van. The scene closes with the woman’s mother in tears. There is no such thing as a decision.

Everyone seems to be projectile vomiting in sluggish movement throughout a recreation now as a result of they ate snacks made by Rob Schneider. They’re utilizing the puke as a weapon in opposition to the opponents. That is the stupidest factor so far and this movie was already actually dumb.

So it’s the championship recreation and Payton is taking this all approach too critically. All of the youngsters are hating soccer and he’s became a tyrant. After getting known as out he’s rediscovered the love of the recreation and now we’ve acquired the large comeback montage. On the most necessary play of the recreation he’s placing in the lowly, struggling kicker to get his selection at glory, as a result of some issues are extra necessary than successful.

He missed and hit the scoreboard, and it exploded for some motive. Now the scoreboard is burning and fireworks are spewing out of it. Why was this rigged with pyrotechnics?

OH MY GOD SEAN PAYTON IS A JANITOR AND HE IS WEARING A WIG IN THE FINAL SCENE OF THIS MOVIE!

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Payton put the second place trophy in entrance of the Lombardi Trophy in his workplace, as a result of he discovered a useful lesson about life. I discovered a lesson too: This movie sucked. I’m going to mattress.

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